The Worst Flight Ever

Yesterday I flew back to Los Angeles after celebrating my grandmother's 95th birthday/family reunion. I flew on US Airlines. This fine airline charges $25 a bag and when and airline does that everyone thinks they can bring all their bags as carry on. I checked my one bag and stuffed all my traveling stuff in my cargo shorts pockets. I took my seat next to the window. I do this since my Navy counter terror training. Back in the days of tacking hostages they would mess with people who sit in the aisle. They are easier to get at.
That being said I am finding that in my older age the novelty of flying is wearing off. Every time I am on a plane that takes off I feel like I am playing craps with death. Stuffing my in a long metal tube, filled with jet fuel and raging travelers seems like a very horrible way to go.
As I take my window seat a family of five sits next to me...Father, Mother and three three year olds. Three little girls who will not listen to their parents....they began crying, screaming and giving me the preview of the hell flight I was about to take part in. To make this hell even more hellish we were stuck at the gate because many passengers discovered a full set of luggage doesn't fit in the overhead bins.
At this point "Parry Hotter" chimed in. He was a 8 year old british kid. I could have called him Harry Potter but I don't want to owe anybody any money.....DOH!
Parry Hotter is at that age where everything is a question. Why this ma? Why that ma? As if he was writing a thesis paper on the inner workings of an airline. I wanted to pop my headphones in but we can't have any electronic devices on.
Finally the game of luggage Tetris was finished and we were able to pull away from the gate. We begin our launch into the sky. As the front wheel lifts off the ground the three 3 year olds begin singing 'Ring Around The Rosey". However they didn't know the whole song. So as our death coffin plane lifts into the air, during the most dangerous part of the flight, the three girls begin singing the only part of the song they know.
"ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN!!!!!"
Over and over again...the whole way up.
At this point I know for a fact that I am about to die. They are singing it like the little girls from Nightmare on Elm Street. People are turning around. I saw one woman with tears in her eyes. I felt like I was in Final Destination and I heard that Bob Denver song. Finally they shut their creepy devil's spawn up and we finally leveled off....at which time Parry Hotter began seeing things outside the plane. To make matters worst we had to fly near several thunderstorms.
Mommy, What happens if lightning strikes the plane?
Mommy, I smell something burning?
Mommy, Are the wings supposed to be like that?

Is there anyway I can buy a flight and be the only person on it?